Lesson 2: A Story of Baby Stuff

Hey corporate America, baby for sale!

Apparently, my baby is a totally pro-Capitalism and he hasn’t even officially joined us on this planet yet. That’s the thought that ran through my head when I first walked into the huge baby stuff store. I mean, I’ve been to stores like this before when I bought things for other pregnant people. But this was my first time here being knocked up myself. Knocked up, lost and totally confused as I stumbled into the terrifying world of babydom. 

My vision of what babydom looks like

Luckily I had a wonderful family member who had two kids of her own who guided my way. The worker behind the counter handed me a coupon book and a gun scanner thing, where you go around shooting every baby thing your consumer heart desires to put onto a baby registry. With my baby stuff-buying gun I was off, setting off section by section to get my baby as much crap as possible.

Now I need to point out that I have never been a girl who enjoys shopping. Maybe it's because I’ve always been broke, so high prices made me want to break into hives.  Still, running around a store makes me get hot flashes, there is SO much STUFF out there, and companies want to make sure that I make it MY stuff, because stuff man, we need to have as much stuff as possible. Comedian George Carlin has a great piece on this that sums up my thoughts perfectly.

Back to the Baby Store, the hot flashes and sweaty pits were already starting as I looked on at the endless array of bottle choices. This one is shaped exactly like that one, but it prevents your baby from being gassy. This other bottle is a preferred brand but it had like 5 pieces that needs to be washed separately every single time you use it so that baby accidentally doesn’t get a bacterial infection from you neglecting to disinfect everything perfectly. Way to go you terrible mother, I’m calling child services.

Why does everybody gotta be so judge-y though

Aisle after aisle, so many options. So many things I never even fathomed existed, baby wipe warmers, weird squiggly shaped block stuff your baby can lie on that’ll help them stop crying, strollers with 2692761 features, parts and pieces. Shields to stick on your baby's private parts to guard you from urine attacks (I was going to use a chemists face shield myself, sort of like the kind they had in Breaking Bad, but Babies R Us didn’t have any).

As my gun beeped away I kept thinking, who the hell needs all this?  Women have been raising babies successfully since before the Ice Age, and they didn’t have ergonomic chew toys (unless a Sabretooth tiger bone counts). Does baby really need an ergonomic chew toy? Well the kid may come up to me one day and say “Mom I’m in therapy and I have a massive overbite, all because you didn’t get me an ergonomic chew toy, thanks mom”. 

sorry kid

This consumer culture is insane. Seriously, the baby does not need all this shit. I don’t need all this shit. Babies need hugs, kisses, tons of diapers, food and attention. Obviously I don’t know what I’m talking about because I haven’t given birth yet, so once the kid comes out I will be drowning in regret for not getting those baby butt warmers.  But I didn’t have all that stuff as a baby, neither did my sister. And I personally think my mom did an amazing job raising us to survive into adulthood  (go Mom!).  Honestly, my baby would be happy sleeping in a box, like they do in Finland, and frankly it would have a lower chance of dying of SIDs if I did that instead (seriously, Finland has one of the lowest infant mortality rates in the world and their babies sleep in boxes).

So in conclusion, yes I have a baby registry, I agree with getting a high chair and obviously a car seat, and tons of books because I want my kid to be literate and smarter than everyone else’s kids.  Ha, that’s not gonna happen because I didn’t buy it a multifaceted baby mobile that blinks in scientifically selected colors that costs $500 and will stimulate them to become an Einstein one day. Coz you know, Einstein totally had one of those. 

His Theory of Relativity had nothing to do with overpriced baby stimulation

Oh well, I’m just trying my best here, I guess baby will just have to be happy with his box and tons of hugs. Ergonomic chew toys be damned.

-S. Nadia Hussain