I’m full of shit. No seriously. Today I’m literally full of
shit. Welcome to the wonderful world of pregnancy in which your pooping habits
completely change and you have no idea what’s normal. Don’t poop for days on
end? Kinda normal. Have to make runs to the bathroom because you’re pooping too
much just a few days later? Kinda normal. Your poop becoming bright orange,
green or even blue? Kinda Normal.
This is this shit they don’t tell you about. Again.
Literally.
Your first trimester you’re lucky if you can poop at all and
if you are pooping its probably because of your vitamins and its coming out way
too suddenly for anyone’s enjoyment. On top of this your diet changes and your
new intake of fresh veggies and fruits means a color change in your poop. This
can be drastic and weird and (if you’re me at least) you’ll really want to take
a picture to send to someone and like… is this normal?! Answer: Yup, kinda
normal.
Then you hit the second trimester and all of a sudden you
can eat with impunity because the nausea has worn off and you find yourself
gorging on an entire box of fruit loops in one weekend (yes, I totally did
this). Come Monday, your poop has turned a nuclear green and you might be
wondering if you need to go to the hospital… or is this something normal? I’m
not sure if its normal but it’s certainly not unexpected. Apparently when you
eat a shit ton (not literally this time) of dyes you’re poop will turn a weird
shade of green.
Then you get chastised by your midwife for gaining 13 pounds
in 6 weeks and you cut out the fruit loops and the breads and all the sugar and
you eat loads of veggies and stuff with fiber and the shit that comes out of
you is just… well.. black. Its as if you colon hasn’t been cleaned out in
months and the forthcoming sludge is hard as a brick, FEELS like a brick as it
comes out of your anus and has the color (and the smell) of death. Don’t even
get me started on farts…
I am capable of stinking my husband out of a room these
days. Beyond that, I am capable of stinking MYSELF out of a room these days. My
own farts don’t even smell right to me! Is this normal?! Yup, kinda normal.
Now I’ve entered into the third trimester and my little in utero man has decided to hang out on my intestines. I can now eat with
impunity, am eating healthy but my poop can only come out when he’s not got his
wee little feet wrapped up in my colon. What does that mean? Oh that means when
I do poop I have to flush at least twice because I’m afraid my own logs will
clog the toilet. I had no idea that my little body could make such girthy
logs.. is that normal? Apparently it’s not completely unheard of and it’s
certainly kinda normal.
Pretty much anything that comes out… as long as it comes out
eventually.. is relatively normal. Black and yellow, green or slightly putrid
white? Yup kinda normal.
