Not your "Mommy" kind of Mom

I'm not going to lie, everyone told me not to Google, they told me to throw all advice out the window, to not read any of those crazy mom blogs because frankly...they will drive you crazy.

So what did I do? I Googled everything, every person in the universe who told me to throw out advice is giving it to me(which is helpful yet also somewhat overwhelming since everyone says something TOTALLY different), and I read random mom blogs. Why? Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. 

I also wanted to point out that this is also a random mom blog so...irony.

Anyway, what I have noticed is that a LOT of these blogs go along the theme of how a woman wanted to be a "mommy" ever since she was a little girl. How she held dolls and wished that one day she could find her Prince Charming and settle down with her brood. And now that she WAS a real mommy of 2-5 kids, her life was complete and her dreams had come true.

That's wonderful. As a feminist, I am all about choice, if being a mommy was someone's lifelong ambition then awesome, totally awesome.

A dream come true?

But that is so not me.

Like at all.

AT ALL.

Actually as a young girl, the idea of being a mother terrified me, being married terrified me, the prospect of even liking a boy in a non-friend way made me want to puke all over my light up sneakers. I love my parents, but I'm sure part of this was watching their very difficult marriage, completely overrun by my fathers severe mental illness. Seeing their fights, my mothers tears, all of that instability and chaos just made me believe that if you were a woman that fell in love and married a man that you were setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain. And seriously, who would want that?

Not four year old Nadia. Four year old Nadia didn't want that. Four year old Nadia wanted to become a knight and save kingdoms. She was going to be a leader of men and women! She wasn't going to wait around for some loser prince to sweep her off her feet. Heck the prince might have a debilitating mental illness and rage issues, so I'd rather just stick with the dragon, dragons were cooler anyway and less likely to send you to a domestic violence shelter.

BOW DOWN

I did have dolls, and barbies, but I was always "Auntie" to my dolls. Whenever I played house, I was Aunt Nadia, never EVER Mom. If someone said I should be the mom I would literally freak out at them and go on about "never ever wanting to get married or have kids". I told people everyone I would be by myself forever with cats and get a job. That was my kindergarten dream, a career and a lifetime as a cat lady.

my inner mantra growing up

As I grew older, that attitude hardly changed, whenever any relatives made fun of me saying I would change my mind and get married, I would give them a stern talking to that I never wanted to get married or have a family. That was me at age 7, age 11, aged 14 and then....

Okay so I thought boys were totally gross till I was 14, yea I was a late bloomer. It was in high school that part of me considered that maybe I may not want to be alone forever and maybe that COULD mean a kid, but still the thought was terrifying and proceeded to spend most of my college and teen years totally and utterly and single (but sadly with no cats, since my parents nor dorm would allow them).

dreams deferred

As I grew a bit older, I realized that maybe I did want to get married and have that serious relationship that could potentially last a lifetime despite the divorce statistics. I started seeing cute, pudgy babies and had the strong urge to steal them, which I didn't do because it's illegal. Yet when I saw a mother frantically chasing a toddler, or grappling with two babies I started to break into cold sweats. It looked terrifying. To me it looked like someones personality getting sucked out by a mini alien pod people and then replaced by a mom whose only job in life was to rear kids, get puked on, throw her dreams out the window and never care about what she looked like again. Sorry, that's just the paranoia I had (okay...still have).

Come play with us Mommy, forever...and ever

And now...here I am! 8 months pregnant! I got married and got cats at the same time, and actually ended up marrying a cat person. Now that I'm about to embark on the journey of being a MOM, I have to confront and work through these uncertainties. Actually I'll probably be too busy to think about it once the kid pops out BUT I have to say...I don't know what being a "Mommy" is supposed to feel like or be.

It it supposed to be getting utterly thrilled about cutting off the crust on PB and J sandwiches that I lovingly pack into my spawn's lunch? Is it getting more joy out of them winning "Nice Try" at their science fair then I would feel at any career recognition I may ever get? Is it watching the same kids movie for the 236th time and clasping my hands in gratitude for the joy that has come forth from my loins?

YAY! We get to watch Madagascar again...and...again...and again...

I don't know, maybe. I'm not a mom yet. Just a pregnant crazy person. But maybe I am already a mom and this is what it's supposed to feel like? Guess not all of us are the kinds of "Mommies" whose lifelong dream has been to bear multiple children and take cloyingly adorable photos of them for their cute maternal blogs, but you know what, that's fine, I'll just share pictures of my kid surrounded by lots of cats.

Inspiration

See, dreams can come true.

Lesson 3: Empathy is Necessary

I realize that having a kid will probably be harder than the making of one; in that, raising a kid will be an 18-year thing (if not longer) and the making of one takes nine months. I also realize that after I pop the kid out my life will drastically change- there will be another human thing crying at me all the time and it will probably kinda suck at communication seeing all it can do is yell at me when he’s uncomfortable…

But please, for the love of all things holy, do not invalidate my pregnancy pain, crazy or changes by saying it is only going to get worse. That does not help me, it’s rude and it makes me want to punch you in the face a little. Are you confused? Let me give you a couple of examples:

When complaining to a colleague the other day about my inability to get comfortable in bed and therefore not get much sleep they replied, “you think it’s bad now, wait until you have that kid!” …. Long pause of silence while I look at the person with hateful eyes then ensues. Another example: once I was talking about how I just wanted to go home and have some alone time with my husband and the response was “better get all that in now because it’s gonna be impossible once you have that baby.” …. Again, long pause ensues while I secretly want to hit them in face. Then there was that one time when walking into a room I hear the words, “Oh man, you have put on some weight!”

Let me tell you guys something- making a kid is hard. When you’ve never done it before it is full of a lot of uncertainty and fear and wondering if what you felt and feel is normal or crazy or if you’re already killing a kid that hasn’t even made it out yet. I have NO idea what I’m doing. In fact, I’ve lost two kids in utero before this one so the fear of doing this whole “pregnancy thing” wrong is pretty real for me.

I’ve never been so tired in my life. My boobs are changing and I’m hormonal. SO hormonal in fact that last week my husband held me while I sobbed and told me I was still pretty and people did actually like me. I haven’t had this much emotional crazy since pre-medication days and that is scary. SCARY. Sometimes, the need for a milkshake has been so overwhelming that I sobbed on the way home after denying myself one. It is intense. So instead of telling me that its only going to get worse, for god sake, just tell me it’s okay to feel this way and tell me I’m doing a good job.

It’s so easy in our lack of communal culture to resist empathy and separate ourselves by reminding those that hurt that “it could always be worse.” That mentality is not helpful- at least it isn’t for me. It lacks empathy and it’s the easy way out. I implore the audience at large to remain present through the discomfort and blubbering of weird pregnancy symptoms and validate the current feelings of fear and pain and weirdness. Encourage the pregnant, the sick or those just having a bad day and create a community, even if in passing, that is based in empathy and compassion instead of separation and annoying comparisons. Kthanksbye.