Lesson 1: Boob Ownership Crisis

Lets talk about boobs. Not those crazy over-sexualized boobs you see on Tv but real boobs. You know, those boobs that will feed kids one day? Okay, that was mean, over sexualized boobs are real boobs too but those aren’t the kind of boobs I’m talking about. I’m talking about lady boobs that (at least in my case.. certainly not everyone goes through such dramatic boob-mutations) take on a personality of their own. My boobs are nearly their own sentient being at this point. I shit you not.

Within 6 weeks of pregnancy my boobs had increased a full cup size. A solid C to a D. Then by 20 weeks (where I am now) they were at DD status. These honkers are heavy and my back muscles were just not able to build fast enough to compensate. Back pain ensues. It’s pretty incredible. At first, I thought maybe they weren’t so big, maybe I was just being silly… until I was undressing one night and caught my husband staring at me like I was some kind of stripper. In many ways it’s nice to be stared like that well into marriage but I realized… it wasn’t ME he was staring at. It was the ladies on my chest. Suddenly I felt like one of those pairs of over-sexualized boobies for a minute.

<side rant> I want to talk about the over sexualized boobs though because they get a bad rap. It’s easy for me to look down on those boob-a-licious women who rock them out on commercials and TV and make us soon to be moms annoyed at their glowing presence. But for me its not that I’m annoyed that you have sexy boobies its that you get sexy boobies and it’s totally culturally acceptable but if I breast feed in public (which I plan on doing once I pop this mongrel out) then I’m scandalous. I mean if women can have those things so exposed why is breast-feeding such a big deal in public?? Probably because it’s not sexy. Seriously people, stop being lame. If you’re going to accept super sexy boobies you might as well take the milk producing ones for heavens sake. </end side rant>

Anyway, I digress, back to my boob conundrum.  Not only did my boobs grow in size my nipples did too. They do NOT talk about this in the What to Expect when Expecting book let me tell you. The size of my areola went from cute and pink on my nicely proportioned ta-tas (I have to say I was blessed with some great tits) to large-sized porn nips that went from a lovely shade of pink to “holy shit your tits are now 50 shades of dark brown and spotty weirdness”. 

You read that right.

My nipples steadily progressed from pink to dark dark dark brown. Beyond this they are now also slightly spotted in the areola and this slow progression to dark-dom doesn’t seem to be stopping. For a pale ass white chick this is slightly disconcerting. I mean, what do I even DO with that? My boobs, my entire life, have been steadily the same. Slightly increasing with menstrual cycle at times and such but overall the same. And they were mine. Now they are not mine, they are changing and growing to suit the needs of a little person I have not yet met and they will be taken up much of the time by said little person.

And there it is folks. It’s not so much that they are changing that is weirding me out (although it definitely is). It is that they are changing because they are no longer exclusively mine. They will be, in part, someone else’s for the foreseeable future and that’s kinda weird. I mean, even married, they aren’t my husbands (though I dare say he enjoys them on occasion) but this little person thing baby child is going to be taking over the parts of me that made me feel womanly. These are the things that help me feel sexual and lovely and hot and now they’re going to be sucked on a by a kid in all their porn star huge ass spotted nipple glory.

It takes some getting used to realizing that not only do your boobs have a mind of their own they don’t even belong to you anymore or at least, they will be hosting someone else. That is not in any of those books I’ve been reading. Not a single thing about boob ownership crisis appears anywhere. So lesson number one in this primer of knowing nothing? Your boobs aren’t solely yours anymore man.

--Hannah Hill