Motherhood : A World of Pain

Look what I made!*

10 months of blood, sweat and tears all wrapped up into one cute bundle! (no that's not a typo, they are lying to you
it's 10 months, not 9)

It's true, I've officially spawned and popped out a brown half Bangladeshi-half Salvadoran baby boy!* Zakir Aristides Alvarado was born on Sunday, March 29 at 1:44 am after 24 hours of labor and 2 hours of pushing. All I have to say is thank all that is holy in this world for epidurals because I really feel like my contractions would have sent me spiraling into madness before it was all over. I had no contractions before that, none of that Braxton Hicks stuff, nothing, just suddenly early Saturday morning BOOM they rolled in and kicked labor into high gear.

So let me be clear, pregnancy sucked pain-wise, especially at the end. For me, dragging an extra 38 pounds of weight almost exclusively on my belly, especially on my 5'2 frame was a non stop world of severe discomfort. My lower abs felt swollen. It hurt so much that I would actually feel dizzy. At night, I could hardly turn over in bed. My feet went missing. It wasn't fun to say the least. Sure the moving baby was cool, but that sort of got overshadowed by the fact that my entire body felt like a massive liability. Plus I couldn't even power-waddle anymore.

And I KNEW labor would be bad, hell everyone knows that. Funny enough though because of the epidural, labor wasn't that bad. Contractions (before the epidural) felt like that scene from The Return of Jedi where the evil Emperor tried to murder Luke Skywalker via writhing convulsions with jets of electricity from the dark side of the force while Darth Vader looked on. I was Luke Skywalker, labor was Emperor Palpatine

See: Labor

Funny enough though, labor and pregnancy weren't even the worst parts. Oh no, no, no. Post pardum made labor and pregnancy look like fun memories. For example, my kid split me in half. It's quite alright. You see, women are complete bad asses and have been split in half or straight up killed by pregnancy from the beginning of time, so it's really no big deal. You just need to get stitched back together, that's all. Oh yea, and you can't sit for a week...or go to the bathroom too successfully. Also the day after labor, the pain of the stitches, plus the trauma of labor on my body gave me uncontrollable shakes. Did I mention that I had to take care of a newborn whose sole sustenance and needs can really be addressed by his mom? Oh yes, in this state I was breastfeeding. Now let me tell you something about breastfeeding....

Oh how precious!

So in movies and in photos breastfeeding looks like a wonderful and beautiful bonding experience where the mother gazes upon her beautiful pride and joy and they join in mother/baby nursing bliss.
They need to revise this image to show a mother shrieking in horror and pain as a baby piranha chomps towards her helpless chest.

If you have nursed and that has not been your experience then congratulations, I hate and envy you. But my beautiful bouncing Bangladoran baby basically went slaughterhouse buffet on my chest. How come no one tells you these things? My guess is so that the human race continues to perpetuate itself based on the willful ignorance we throw at unsuspecting mothers to be.

Seriously, breastfeeding has been the most painful experience of them all. It has been worse than labor for me. WORSE THAN LABOR. Let that sink in.

When my kid whines one day that I don't love him because I won't let him borrow the car, I will simply start shouting "BLOODY NIPPLES!!!" at him. Because, seriously, what the hell. Isn't breastfeeding supposed to be natural? The best and perfect choice for your growing love bug? Why is it a hellish descent into non stop nipple torture? In the middle of the night, when both Zakir and I were wailing, him because he was hungry and me because my bloody chest couldn't take anymore piranha like sucking, I swear I half expected Pinhead from Hellraiser to make an appearance and gloat at my punishment for all my sins. My biggest question is seriously, when the hell does all the hurting stop?

Never, it never stops MWAHAHAHAHA

From what I can gather, never really. Because though it's hard to be sleep deprived when your kid is a baby, at least then they are cuddled up on your chest being all cute and chubby. When they are teenagers and you just had a blow out fight, I'm sure all you can think is why can't they be that chubby little innocent baby again. Nipple torture and all. Or when they are in their 20's and they haven't returned your phone call and you are convinced they're dead, starving, passed out in a gutter somewhere, the thought of that baby curled up in your arms may seem like the best time ever. 

But to put things into perspective, mother octopuses eat their own arms for sustenance as they incubate their eggs, and are so tired from the ordeal that as soon as they leave their lair after birth they get promptly eaten by predators since they are unable to defend themselves.

So I guess it's not so bad, I haven't had to eat my arms yet. Breastfeeding still hurts, but Zakir has already gained 1 pound since birth and it's only been 2 weeks. Oh yea and I have a kid that's my kid and my favorite person in the world forever and he's here because of me.*

I have that.

MINE...ALL MINE (for now)

* After my husband's protestations upon me reading the article to him, I am obliged to say that he had something to do with making the baby too. He got to do the fun parts.