Poop by the Trimester

I’m full of shit. No seriously. Today I’m literally full of shit. Welcome to the wonderful world of pregnancy in which your pooping habits completely change and you have no idea what’s normal. Don’t poop for days on end? Kinda normal. Have to make runs to the bathroom because you’re pooping too much just a few days later? Kinda normal. Your poop becoming bright orange, green or even blue? Kinda Normal.

This is this shit they don’t tell you about. Again. Literally.

Your first trimester you’re lucky if you can poop at all and if you are pooping its probably because of your vitamins and its coming out way too suddenly for anyone’s enjoyment. On top of this your diet changes and your new intake of fresh veggies and fruits means a color change in your poop. This can be drastic and weird and (if you’re me at least) you’ll really want to take a picture to send to someone and like… is this normal?! Answer: Yup, kinda normal.

Then you hit the second trimester and all of a sudden you can eat with impunity because the nausea has worn off and you find yourself gorging on an entire box of fruit loops in one weekend (yes, I totally did this). Come Monday, your poop has turned a nuclear green and you might be wondering if you need to go to the hospital… or is this something normal? I’m not sure if its normal but it’s certainly not unexpected. Apparently when you eat a shit ton (not literally this time) of dyes you’re poop will turn a weird shade of green.

Then you get chastised by your midwife for gaining 13 pounds in 6 weeks and you cut out the fruit loops and the breads and all the sugar and you eat loads of veggies and stuff with fiber and the shit that comes out of you is just… well.. black. Its as if you colon hasn’t been cleaned out in months and the forthcoming sludge is hard as a brick, FEELS like a brick as it comes out of your anus and has the color (and the smell) of death. Don’t even get me started on farts…

I am capable of stinking my husband out of a room these days. Beyond that, I am capable of stinking MYSELF out of a room these days. My own farts don’t even smell right to me! Is this normal?! Yup, kinda normal.

Now I’ve entered into the third trimester and my little in utero man has decided to hang out on my intestines. I can now eat with impunity, am eating healthy but my poop can only come out when he’s not got his wee little feet wrapped up in my colon. What does that mean? Oh that means when I do poop I have to flush at least twice because I’m afraid my own logs will clog the toilet. I had no idea that my little body could make such girthy logs.. is that normal? Apparently it’s not completely unheard of and it’s certainly kinda normal.

Pretty much anything that comes out… as long as it comes out eventually.. is relatively normal. Black and yellow, green or slightly putrid white? Yup kinda normal.

Not your "Mommy" kind of Mom

I'm not going to lie, everyone told me not to Google, they told me to throw all advice out the window, to not read any of those crazy mom blogs because frankly...they will drive you crazy.

So what did I do? I Googled everything, every person in the universe who told me to throw out advice is giving it to me(which is helpful yet also somewhat overwhelming since everyone says something TOTALLY different), and I read random mom blogs. Why? Apparently I'm a glutton for punishment. 

I also wanted to point out that this is also a random mom blog so...irony.

Anyway, what I have noticed is that a LOT of these blogs go along the theme of how a woman wanted to be a "mommy" ever since she was a little girl. How she held dolls and wished that one day she could find her Prince Charming and settle down with her brood. And now that she WAS a real mommy of 2-5 kids, her life was complete and her dreams had come true.

That's wonderful. As a feminist, I am all about choice, if being a mommy was someone's lifelong ambition then awesome, totally awesome.

A dream come true?

But that is so not me.

Like at all.

AT ALL.

Actually as a young girl, the idea of being a mother terrified me, being married terrified me, the prospect of even liking a boy in a non-friend way made me want to puke all over my light up sneakers. I love my parents, but I'm sure part of this was watching their very difficult marriage, completely overrun by my fathers severe mental illness. Seeing their fights, my mothers tears, all of that instability and chaos just made me believe that if you were a woman that fell in love and married a man that you were setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain. And seriously, who would want that?

Not four year old Nadia. Four year old Nadia didn't want that. Four year old Nadia wanted to become a knight and save kingdoms. She was going to be a leader of men and women! She wasn't going to wait around for some loser prince to sweep her off her feet. Heck the prince might have a debilitating mental illness and rage issues, so I'd rather just stick with the dragon, dragons were cooler anyway and less likely to send you to a domestic violence shelter.

BOW DOWN

I did have dolls, and barbies, but I was always "Auntie" to my dolls. Whenever I played house, I was Aunt Nadia, never EVER Mom. If someone said I should be the mom I would literally freak out at them and go on about "never ever wanting to get married or have kids". I told people everyone I would be by myself forever with cats and get a job. That was my kindergarten dream, a career and a lifetime as a cat lady.

my inner mantra growing up

As I grew older, that attitude hardly changed, whenever any relatives made fun of me saying I would change my mind and get married, I would give them a stern talking to that I never wanted to get married or have a family. That was me at age 7, age 11, aged 14 and then....

Okay so I thought boys were totally gross till I was 14, yea I was a late bloomer. It was in high school that part of me considered that maybe I may not want to be alone forever and maybe that COULD mean a kid, but still the thought was terrifying and proceeded to spend most of my college and teen years totally and utterly and single (but sadly with no cats, since my parents nor dorm would allow them).

dreams deferred

As I grew a bit older, I realized that maybe I did want to get married and have that serious relationship that could potentially last a lifetime despite the divorce statistics. I started seeing cute, pudgy babies and had the strong urge to steal them, which I didn't do because it's illegal. Yet when I saw a mother frantically chasing a toddler, or grappling with two babies I started to break into cold sweats. It looked terrifying. To me it looked like someones personality getting sucked out by a mini alien pod people and then replaced by a mom whose only job in life was to rear kids, get puked on, throw her dreams out the window and never care about what she looked like again. Sorry, that's just the paranoia I had (okay...still have).

Come play with us Mommy, forever...and ever

And now...here I am! 8 months pregnant! I got married and got cats at the same time, and actually ended up marrying a cat person. Now that I'm about to embark on the journey of being a MOM, I have to confront and work through these uncertainties. Actually I'll probably be too busy to think about it once the kid pops out BUT I have to say...I don't know what being a "Mommy" is supposed to feel like or be.

It it supposed to be getting utterly thrilled about cutting off the crust on PB and J sandwiches that I lovingly pack into my spawn's lunch? Is it getting more joy out of them winning "Nice Try" at their science fair then I would feel at any career recognition I may ever get? Is it watching the same kids movie for the 236th time and clasping my hands in gratitude for the joy that has come forth from my loins?

YAY! We get to watch Madagascar again...and...again...and again...

I don't know, maybe. I'm not a mom yet. Just a pregnant crazy person. But maybe I am already a mom and this is what it's supposed to feel like? Guess not all of us are the kinds of "Mommies" whose lifelong dream has been to bear multiple children and take cloyingly adorable photos of them for their cute maternal blogs, but you know what, that's fine, I'll just share pictures of my kid surrounded by lots of cats.

Inspiration

See, dreams can come true.